Dairy 1

sometimes in these days, i really felt that something had just kept blessing me...the opportunity had just kept their faith in me... it was the third time in this week...but somehow i just kept losing them... i myself do not know how to keep it tight within my palm.. over and over again i just let it past through me... i know that i had to keep it to me... not everyone in this world had this kind of chances... but i just keep loosing it and losing it... but just the moment i lost it, it came back to me with good news... should i be happy with that... or should i be grateful... sometime i really ask HIM that why HE didnt look after me... but every time i ask, HE do reply me... but with different kind of situation.. i keep asking myself that why i just can't have the will or the determination to just do a thing right.. just finish it and i started it... i always started good... that what i think for every beginning... but end really ugly... i wanted to do stuff properly... i want to make real good stuff out of me... i think i that kind of person... with quite a blessing good brain... but in the end, all just screw up... but then i realized, if HE didn't blessed you in the way you wish, he did in others... sometime i really thought that i am a person with a huge luck in road... every time when i almost crashed with other, somehow i managed to save the situation and end up safely... i really want to have something, just something in the paper or the certificate. i want to graduate the uni. i don't want to waste another time finding that other uni or college is better for me. i just want to finish what and where i started. can i really do that? can i? this kind of question i had asked myself a million time. but i always had some answers for it. maybe all of that would the excuses that i had made up for myself.

before i came back here to continue my study, my dad asked me a question. why i want to come back here and study when i had decided to give up at the first moment. i couldn't answer it cause i know the answer of mine would pissed him off. he would kill me if he knew the real answer. i just kept telling him that i want to continue my study. that all and what i told him. and he didn't ask more after that. the real reason was that i want to see her 1 more time.

i came here to study just for a girl? can i really do that? or should i really do that? i don't even knew the answer. but somehow it gave me some strength and motive to come back here and study. but this can't be the only motive. i have to find my own goal. my own. shouldn't belong to other or related to others. just me. can i find that ? can i? what if i give up again? what if...

all my life there was a lot of 'what if', what if that, what if this, what if those... and now i want to just tell myself, what if if i just stop what if-ing... that the proper thing that i should be doing right now.

and that is another thing that i'm really proud of. i just made a what if into an action beside i just kept thinking of it. i helped a guy that fall of the bike. maybe i should call it an accident. he fell off and stuck over there. that was the first time in my life that i didn't care for other 'point of view' and i just straight pulled over my bike and get down to lend him a hand. i do get some return from him. i get a lot of thank you. that is the first time in my life that someone do really appreciate my help and thank me for doing that. i felt quite happy after that. actually i do felt complete. just like some part of me just came back. like what i used to be or what i should be. what i can tell others that is really do feel good when people thank you when they really meant it. you can just feel the 'stuff', it just so positive, so energetic, so happy. should i just keeping helping others that needed my help? should i? because i just really scare that even 1 that ignore it, i will become the old time me. just keep thinking of what if... i really do scare when other just ignore it. maybe i just need someone the praise me or just tell me how thank you you are to me. i just need it so much. i scare losing it again. it really do hurt me when you punish me for what i'm doing for others.

before this, i think i really had fall in love with you...

but somehow, thing had change... you and i we won't chat we used to be...

in a sudden we change, the situation is awkward...

i just don't know how to talk to you anymore...

even when you enter the room, we just ignore each other...

maybe is just the feeling that only i had for you...

and it change...

maybe you felt it... i don't know...

when you have problems, you come to tell me through msn...

now i'm think that we cant even have the chance to talk to each other face to face...

now facing you, i feel very uncomfortable... maybe i just don't know the way to talk to you anymore...

now here, i wish you good luck in everything...

that is the last thing that i can do for you... hope you don't mind...

sometime i really think that i don't really belong in here...

the feeling is not very good... or maybe i can say the feeling is damn suck...

i really do feel like i have lost the reason for me to stay in here...

why i couldn't just do it for myself.. how come that i don't have the determination to something that i want to do... and i always give up for no reason...

sometime i really blame for the god for not giving me the determination...

but sometime i really thanks HIM for blessing me on the road....