day 1?

聊了天過後,心情也比較舒暢了一點. 也許事情並不是那麼難接受. 很多東西換個角度,其實真的沒什麼..

現在也似乎做好了心理準備, 接受失去你的結果了... 這次還真的好像真的喜歡上你了... 

真的很不像要放棄你, 真的覺得你好像就是我的另一半... 就是你的那種強烈的感覺.. 

可是, 事情好像不是那樣的... 哈哈... 跟你出去的那幾天,真得很開心... 

好像沒有甚麼事情會比那個更開心了. 真的很希望每天的日子都有你在我身旁.. 

有是想到你,鼻子還真的會有酸酸的感覺... 這是叫難過嗎? 好久了, 沒有這種感覺了... 

the she

for the past few days, i had travel to places. the origin thought of mine was to clear my mind, so that i could still stay focus on my stuff that i currently doing right now. but sometime thing change so fast that myself couldnt handle. for me to fall for someone so fast, maybe my first intention for her was maybe our relationship between each other can get closer. but now it just seem like it had gone beyond that. i really think that i had fell for her right now. cant even think of any other thing while whole of my mind is thinking of her. maybe as my friend told me that i kinda 'blossom heart big carrot'. but she really make me think that she also fell for me. the days we spent together were so happy, and i can keep staying beside, no matter where we been all the time we travel, even when we slept. the most happiest hours was sleeping beside her and staring at her while she was asleep. how can i ever let myself fell in this kind of situation, maybe the first thought of mine is the most accurate. she did not fell for me. is all me that think of the other way. is all me. everything change when i told her i like her. very very very much. that really change everything. her attitude toward me. everything. now we even dont see each other face to face. how come i fell for her so fast? within days...
my heart really do ache now. pain that flow through all of my body. can even felt the sour feeling. the whole time of day waiting for her to reply the message. dying to see her. even thought that maybe now god of love had seen me now. sending the angel of her to bless me. but everything just fade. every hope just fade when she say she didnt want to have any relationship due to her bad memory she had with her ex bf. maybe is just an excuse to reject me. should i keep on going with it? keep staying beside her? or even stay here and not moving out. she is really a girl that i really fond of. attitude, outlook, everything... she really make me crazy like hell...

dairy 2

since last semester, we didn't chat for quite a long time. it was like i had nothing to talk to you anymore. but what i assure you is that you are the main reason for me to stay here and keep on my study. no matter what happened, i just want to thank you. i don't know how is your life there and i really hope that you had and have a good one there.

and for last week, i witness a tragic incident which was my friend got rejected by a girl. no matter how hard he had tried, he didn't managed it. he is sad and depressing. corpse without a soul. hanging around us, or i should say them. without me most of the time. that's all... and good night.

the feeling is back... i hate being alone out here.. it is so strange, so weird.. like the feeling itself is trying to sallow me... sad had overtaken me... i really felt scared right now... not good... i don't know why.. but somehow i i felt sad... maybe alone out here is really terrifying? i guess so... sometime i felt sorrow in me... i think i really need some company here... even a friend will do... but now sitting my room, i am alone.. all alone... maybe some part of me really scare being alone... sometime i can deal with it, sometime not! it just feel like it conquer me with fear... like darkness surrounding you... can't breathe... suffocating... drowning? i really scare... help me...

Dairy 1

sometimes in these days, i really felt that something had just kept blessing me...the opportunity had just kept their faith in me... it was the third time in this week...but somehow i just kept losing them... i myself do not know how to keep it tight within my palm.. over and over again i just let it past through me... i know that i had to keep it to me... not everyone in this world had this kind of chances... but i just keep loosing it and losing it... but just the moment i lost it, it came back to me with good news... should i be happy with that... or should i be grateful... sometime i really ask HIM that why HE didnt look after me... but every time i ask, HE do reply me... but with different kind of situation.. i keep asking myself that why i just can't have the will or the determination to just do a thing right.. just finish it and i started it... i always started good... that what i think for every beginning... but end really ugly... i wanted to do stuff properly... i want to make real good stuff out of me... i think i that kind of person... with quite a blessing good brain... but in the end, all just screw up... but then i realized, if HE didn't blessed you in the way you wish, he did in others... sometime i really thought that i am a person with a huge luck in road... every time when i almost crashed with other, somehow i managed to save the situation and end up safely... i really want to have something, just something in the paper or the certificate. i want to graduate the uni. i don't want to waste another time finding that other uni or college is better for me. i just want to finish what and where i started. can i really do that? can i? this kind of question i had asked myself a million time. but i always had some answers for it. maybe all of that would the excuses that i had made up for myself.

before i came back here to continue my study, my dad asked me a question. why i want to come back here and study when i had decided to give up at the first moment. i couldn't answer it cause i know the answer of mine would pissed him off. he would kill me if he knew the real answer. i just kept telling him that i want to continue my study. that all and what i told him. and he didn't ask more after that. the real reason was that i want to see her 1 more time.

i came here to study just for a girl? can i really do that? or should i really do that? i don't even knew the answer. but somehow it gave me some strength and motive to come back here and study. but this can't be the only motive. i have to find my own goal. my own. shouldn't belong to other or related to others. just me. can i find that ? can i? what if i give up again? what if...

all my life there was a lot of 'what if', what if that, what if this, what if those... and now i want to just tell myself, what if if i just stop what if-ing... that the proper thing that i should be doing right now.

and that is another thing that i'm really proud of. i just made a what if into an action beside i just kept thinking of it. i helped a guy that fall of the bike. maybe i should call it an accident. he fell off and stuck over there. that was the first time in my life that i didn't care for other 'point of view' and i just straight pulled over my bike and get down to lend him a hand. i do get some return from him. i get a lot of thank you. that is the first time in my life that someone do really appreciate my help and thank me for doing that. i felt quite happy after that. actually i do felt complete. just like some part of me just came back. like what i used to be or what i should be. what i can tell others that is really do feel good when people thank you when they really meant it. you can just feel the 'stuff', it just so positive, so energetic, so happy. should i just keeping helping others that needed my help? should i? because i just really scare that even 1 that ignore it, i will become the old time me. just keep thinking of what if... i really do scare when other just ignore it. maybe i just need someone the praise me or just tell me how thank you you are to me. i just need it so much. i scare losing it again. it really do hurt me when you punish me for what i'm doing for others.

before this, i think i really had fall in love with you...

but somehow, thing had change... you and i we won't chat we used to be...

in a sudden we change, the situation is awkward...

i just don't know how to talk to you anymore...

even when you enter the room, we just ignore each other...

maybe is just the feeling that only i had for you...

and it change...

maybe you felt it... i don't know...

when you have problems, you come to tell me through msn...

now i'm think that we cant even have the chance to talk to each other face to face...

now facing you, i feel very uncomfortable... maybe i just don't know the way to talk to you anymore...

now here, i wish you good luck in everything...

that is the last thing that i can do for you... hope you don't mind...

sometime i really think that i don't really belong in here...

the feeling is not very good... or maybe i can say the feeling is damn suck...

i really do feel like i have lost the reason for me to stay in here...

why i couldn't just do it for myself.. how come that i don't have the determination to something that i want to do... and i always give up for no reason...

sometime i really blame for the god for not giving me the determination...

but sometime i really thanks HIM for blessing me on the road....