before i came back here to continue my study, my dad asked me a question. why i want to come back here and study when i had decided to give up at the first moment. i couldn't answer it cause i know the answer of mine would pissed him off. he would kill me if he knew the real answer. i just kept telling him that i want to continue my study. that all and what i told him. and he didn't ask more after that. the real reason was that i want to see her 1 more time.
i came here to study just for a girl? can i really do that? or should i really do that? i don't even knew the answer. but somehow it gave me some strength and motive to come back here and study. but this can't be the only motive. i have to find my own goal. my own. shouldn't belong to other or related to others. just me. can i find that ? can i? what if i give up again? what if...
all my life there was a lot of 'what if', what if that, what if this, what if those... and now i want to just tell myself, what if if i just stop what if-ing... that the proper thing that i should be doing right now.
and that is another thing that i'm really proud of. i just made a what if into an action beside i just kept thinking of it. i helped a guy that fall of the bike. maybe i should call it an accident. he fell off and stuck over there. that was the first time in my life that i didn't care for other 'point of view' and i just straight pulled over my bike and get down to lend him a hand. i do get some return from him. i get a lot of thank you. that is the first time in my life that someone do really appreciate my help and thank me for doing that. i felt quite happy after that. actually i do felt complete. just like some part of me just came back. like what i used to be or what i should be. what i can tell others that is really do feel good when people thank you when they really meant it. you can just feel the 'stuff', it just so positive, so energetic, so happy. should i just keeping helping others that needed my help? should i? because i just really scare that even 1 that ignore it, i will become the old time me. just keep thinking of what if... i really do scare when other just ignore it. maybe i just need someone the praise me or just tell me how thank you you are to me. i just need it so much. i scare losing it again. it really do hurt me when you punish me for what i'm doing for others.